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SAINT, n. A dead sinner revised and edited. -Ambrose Bierce

News2God

The news is filled with religious-based actions taken by countries, groups, and individuals. This religious influence drags theworld down and poses the largest threat to civilization. We feel that no matter how small an impact this blog may have, it is our duty as Atheists to counter the misguided religious influences on the world. Increase the Godless. Save the World.
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November 25

Time and Faith

I think what makes a significant difference of whether or not you believe in god is your ability to comprehend time. And rightfully so, even great scientists have had trouble dealing with time. Up until about 100 years ago most thought the earth was a few million to a few thousand years old and Jesus supposedly lived 2,000 years ago. Now that we know the earth is about 4 billion years old. Kind of puts a dent in a bible literalist’s world.

Time makes or breaks the Koran, bible and most other religious writings. Many of the basic tenets lose their meaning or just look silly unless you accept the timelines offered in the books. I really believe it is similar to a learning disorder like dyslexia that prevents the person from comprehending the reality of time. Is there a time gene some people are missing?

Leaving god "Cold Turkey"

For deeply religious church focused people, just dumping religion and belief in god "cold turkey" would be asking a lot.  It’s a serious problem.  For a religious person to deny god is to acknowledge their life has been a sham. Also, missing all the activities, choir practice, pot lucks, and all that would be no fun.  I propose an alternative.  Change the focus of religious beliefs to Santa Claus.  There are at least as many reasons to believe in Santa as there is god.  It would be lots more fun.  And the rest of the world would accept it, no problem. 
 
They could change the names of churches easily.  You could have names like First Church of Santa, Santa Fundamentalist’s Church, and Church of the Elves.  You could start a sect and maybe call it the Kringlists.  There are a whole bunch of St. Nicholas churches that could stay the same. Maybe you only believe Santa likes chocolate chip cookies.  You could speak in tongues and have profits to predict what toys would be popular next year. You could go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays as usual, sing, play bingo, -- all the same stuff you were doing before. 
 
Congress could vote to put, “In Santa We Trust” on all the money.  We could change the   Pledge to “Under Santa”.  Everybody would say that, no problem, we all love Santa. For those in transition, I have listed some of the hundreds of reasons to believe Santa Claus is god.  I have also prepared sample worship services to get you thinking about how all of this would fit together.
 
Evidence Santa Clause is god
 
  • He has a sacred book which is absolute fact
  • He has lived thousands of years and never gets sick
  • He keeps a list of the good and bad things people do
  • We get our morals from him
  • He punishes people for being bad
  • He answers some prayers
  • He lives in a real nice place — I’ve seen pictures
  • Millions of people believe in him so, it must be true
  • He has a fun holiday people look forward to each year
  • He can be in millions of places at once – it’s a miracle
  • He can go up and down by touching his nose – it’s a miracle
  • He can change his size as needed – it’s a miracle
  • He knows everyone’s shirt size – it’s a miracle
  • He can fly – it’s a miracle
  • He is seen on radar
  • He knows what people want – it’s a miracle
  • He creates millions of presents from nothing – it’s a miracle
  • He’s been seen by millions of people on the same night - it’s a miracle
  • He eats 3 trillion cookies in one night and doesn’t explode – it’s a miracle
  • He has 12 little friends that help him – hmmmm, well?
  • He likes animals
  • He’s against warming of the earth
  • There are lots of songs about him
  • The post office knows his address
  • There are lots of movies about him
  • My parents said he was real
  • Most parents have actually talked to him

 

Church of Santa - Holiday Services

CHURCH OF SANTA
715 Oak Street
Happy Squire, FL 30242
Bob Belldinging, Pastor

Holiday service
Donations at the door $5 – Kids $6.50

The Mormon X-wives Choir will sing their two big holiday hits
“I had Santa in my Lap” and “Honey, I’m Horny Tonight”
10 CD’s will be given as door prizes

High Priest and slick dresser Dr. Sidney Weinstein
will speak on two important topics:

Is China taking the lead out of your pencil?
Do elves get too much TV time?

Group Reading from the Holy Scripture
With analysis by Pastor Bob
Verse 6
“And on the roof there arose such a clatter…………..”

Following his sermon Pastor Bob will conduct the
annual condom blessing

Dominion’s Pizza and Vines of Life are sponsoring communion.
It will be offered in plain or pepperoni (Just one per person)
and the wine will be Red Zinfandel (Second glass $8.50 2 for 1)

Following the ceremony, the Blue Grass group “Winkin, Blinkin, and Odd
will entertain us in Fellowship Hall.  They will be introducing their new song,
When Santa’s Sleigh Hit the Roof-- So did I

Come early to avoid the crowds.  Don’t forget the
new parking ramp on 5th street is now open.

PLEASE JOIN US
ON THIS HOLIEST OF NIGHTS

SPONSORED BY OAK ST. HARDWARE AND GIFTS
DON’T FORGET OUR PRE-HOLIDAY BB-GUN SALE
$5 (TAX DEDUCTIBLE) FROM EACH SALE WILL BE GIVEN TO
 “CONDOMS FOR AFRICA”

Church of Santa - Easter Services

CHURCH OF SANTA
715 Oak Street
Happy Squire, FL 30242
Bob Belldinging, Pastor

Easter service
Donations at the door $5 – Kids $6.50

The Mormon X-wives Choir will sing their two big holiday hits
“I had Santa in my Lap” and “Honey, I’m Horny Tonight”
10 CD’s will be given as door prizes

High Priest and slick dresser Dr. Sidney Weinstein
will speak on two important topics:

Is China taking the lead out of your pencil?
Do elves get too much TV time?

Group Reading from the Holy Scripture
With analysis by Pastor Bob
Verse 6
“And on the roof there arose such a clatter…………..”

Following his sermon Pastor Bob will conduct the
annual condom blessing

Dominion’s Pizza and Vines of Life are sponsoring communion.
It will be offered in plain or pepperoni (Just one per person)
and the wine will be Red Zinfandel (Second glass $8.50 2 for 1)

Following the ceremony, the Blue Grass group “Winkin, Blinkin, and Odd
will entertain us in Fellowship Hall.  They will be introducing their new song,
When Santa’s Sleigh Hit the Roof-- So did I

Come early to avoid the crowds.  Don’t forget the
new parking ramp on 5th street is now open.

PLEASE JOIN US
ON THIS HOLIEST OF NIGHTS

SPONSORED BY OAK ST. HARDWARE AND GIFTS
DON’T FORGET OUR PRE-HOLIDAY BB-GUN SALE
$5 (TAX DEDUCTIBLE) FROM EACH SALE WILL BE GIVEN TO
 “CONDOMS FOR AFRICA”

 

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